AGED PARENT TO NURSING HOME Solomon B. Freehof
QUESTION: If an aged parent who now lives with his family is feeble to such an extent that he would be much better cared for in a nursing home, but if he strenuously objects to leaving the family home, what in the light of Jewish tradition can be done under these circumstances?(Asked by Rabbi Marc Saperstein, Canton, MA)
ANSWER: There is a great deal of writing, opinion, and law in Jewish tradition as to the duties of children to a parent. The original source of all the legislation on the subject is toward the end of Chapter 1 of Talmud Kiddushin(31 a If.), where the reciprocal duties of parents’ obligations tO children and children’s obligations to parents are discussed in great detail. These Talmudic discussions were continued through the centuries and are now Crystallized in a complete section in the Shulhan Arukh, Yoreh Deah 240 and 241, under the heading,“The Laws of Honoring Father and Mother.”
These laws deal with the duty of respecting the dignity of the parent, of sustaining him and providing for him, and even of enduring the unreasonableness of a parent. See, for example, 240-8:“How far must the respect for parents go?"
Even if the parent took the son’s purse of gold coins and cast it into the sea, the son must not shame the parent or lose his temper in his presence, but must accept the Scriptural mandate[of respect] and remain silent.” One must not even annoy a parent. The Talmud (Kid. 31a) says:“God says if a man vexes his parent, God does not dwell in that house because, He says,‘If I dwelt there among them, they would vex Me too.” These are cited as exemplifications of considerable detailed law of how the commandment of honoring parents was carried out to a most reverent Extreme.